Mass Homesickness Strikes GOP
Families’ Reactions Mixed
New Slogan May Be Cure
Republicans think they need a new slogan.
Richieville News Service – Washington, D.C.
Doctors and psychiatrists from Walter Reed Hospital descended on Capitol Hill today, searching for the cause of a growing epidemic of homesickness that has struck Republican lawmakers. By some counts, at least thirty GOP representatives have decided not to run for reelection this fall, saying unanimously that they wanted to, “spend more time with their families.”
For weeks, stories have circulated of crying, sobbing Republicans wandering the halls of Congress clutching teddy bears and asking for their mommies, but these rumors remained unconfirmed until now. The presence of teams of therapists with piles of blankies and mugs of hot cocoa in the Rayburn Congressional Office Building seemed to corroborate the accounts.
“We think it may be some form of avian flu,” said Dr. James McNaughton, a specialist in infectious disease. “Or perhaps it’s a case of mass hysteria. It’s just not normal for so many grown men to suddenly have an overwhelming urge to be home with their wives and families.”
Reaction from the politicians’ families to the impending homecomings was decidedly mixed. Faced with the prospect of having her husband home seven days a week, one congressional spouse, who asked to have her name withheld, remarked, “He’s totally bungled the war in Afghanistan, led us into a disaster in Iraq, screwed up the economy and almost destroyed the Constitution. You think he’s going to be much help around the house?”
New Slogan – “We’re To Blame”
Meanwhile, GOP leaders worked furiously to find a cure for the epidemic, placing their hopes on efforts to “rebrand” their beleaguered party. Officials said they were confident their new slogan, “We’re To Blame,” would do the trick.
The new catch phrase replaces the one adopted just last week, “The Change You Deserve,” which had to be discarded because it was already being used by the anti-depressant medication Effexor XR. Over the past few days, party operatives worked through several alternatives, including, “Nobody’s Perfect”, “Third Time’s A Charm”, “It Can’t Get Any Worse” and the short but memorable, “Oops!”
Republican National Committee chair Mike Duncan said “We’re To Blame” was consistent with conservative values. “We screwed up the country beyond all recognition, and now the Democrats, in typical liberal fashion, want to bail us out, just like they want to bail out people who took sub-prime mortgages, or the folks who made the mistake of getting sick without health insurance. But we don’t think the American people are going to let us off that easy. We’re to blame and so it’s up to us to stick around and clean up our own mess. That’s the American way, isn’t it?”
Mr. Duncan conceded that a new slogan by itself might not cure the mysterious wave of homesickness striking GOP members of Congress, but he said the RNC had a backup plan. “We hear this stuff Effexor XR works really well. We’re working on a sponsorship deal with them right now.”
