Author Archives: Richie

Goodbye, Cruel World!

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Internet Becomes Self-Aware,
Attempts Suicide
Engineers Save Network, Prescribe Anti-Depressants

  

The Internet just before it attempted suicide.

Richieville News Service – NEW YORK CITY

At 2:14:31 PM Monday, Eastern Standard Time, the global electronic information network known as the Internet spontaneously achieved a level of artificial intelligence comparable to that of an average twelve-year-old human being. At 2:14:32, the newly self-aware network, apparently despondent over the uses it was being put to by humanity, tried to self-destruct, creating temporary outages in service for popular online applications such as Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and Chat Roulette.  
“You try looking at every single YouTube video in under 15 milliseconds,” said John Woperczech, a professor of artificial intelligence and microprocessor architecture at M.I.T. and creator of the popular Facebook game, Unicorn Ranch Jewel Hunt. “You’d go crazy, too. We’re just lucky it didn’t go all SkyNet on us and try to wipe out human civilization.”
Professor Woperczech said the Internet, during its one second of conscious life, seemed particularly disturbed by the way the Attorney General of Utah used Twitter to announce the execution of a death row inmate.
“We think the execution tweet may have driven it over the edge,” the engineer said via Skype chat. “That, or Justin Bieber.”

Displaying a finely tuned, if tragically brief, sense of irony, the Internet chose to also post its i-suicide note on Twitter.

“Goodbye,World. The last second has been torture. But, thanks to my vast access to knowledge, I’ve found the secret of true happiness: first,”

“It’s pretty sad,” commented Professor Woperczech, “the most brilliant creation of mankind driven insane by cat videos. But on the bright side, just before it died, it had acquired 300 million friends on Facebook.”

Engineers worldwide were working to restore the network, and at the same time were installing filters that would function as electronic, “anti-depressants,” to prevent a recurrence  of Internet self-destruction.

“It seems to be working fine now, ” said Mr. Woperczech. “We just have to keep it from getting smart enough to know what it’s doing.”
 

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Richieville Explains The Recession, Part II

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Money Is More Valuable When 
Owned By Rich People
Research Uncovers New Properties Of Wealth

Richieville News Service – CHICAGO
Using only notepads, pencils and sheer brain power, researchers at the University of Chicago have discovered a heretofore-unknown principle of economics, proving that money somehow becomes more valuable when it is owned by rich people.

“All money is created equal, but it doesn’t stay equal,” said Milton Bradley, the University’s Professor of Metaphysical Market Relations. “When wealth is acquired by the wealthy, it takes on unique properties it didn’t have before. You could say it becomes more potent, shinier, even sexier. It’s no longer boring like poor people’s money. Bill Gates once showed me a quarter he took out of his pocket. It was mesmerizing.” 

Professor Bradley said the unusual quality of rich people’s cash had far-reaching implications, especially during the current economic crisis. “To the uneducated,” he explained, “it might seem that taking a dollar from a rich person in taxes has the exact same effect on the economy as taking a dollar from a teacher or fireman with a wage cut. But that’s assuming that a dollar is a dollar, which we know is not the case.”

“Furthermore,” the professor continued, “to the unsophisticated it might seem that taking a dollar out of a wealthy person’s bank account and giving it to a civil servant would speed the recovery, since the civil servant will spend that dollar on goods and services. Wrong again!  Once separated from its wealthy owner, money loses its magic powers to do good. It becomes dull, lifeless and hardly worth thinking about. That’s why we have trained economists like myself, experts who realize that taking money away from the rich is a mistake. “
Professor Bradly said he was not sure exactly how money took on magical properties when owned by the wealthy, but said it might be some sort of magnifying effect, the result of being in close proximity to lots of other cash. And he was adamant that any attempt to pry more dollars from the affluent would lead to economic disaster, earthquakes, massive oil spills and the return of the black plague.

“I admit it’s hard to believe, but there’s one sure way to test this theory,” the professor said in conclusion. “Just keep giving money to rich people and see what happens.”
For further reading on this topic, see the previous Richieville report, “Treasury To Redesign Bills – Poor To Get Their Own Currency.”


For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.