Author Archives: Richie

We’re Going To Iraqiland!

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Pentagon to Rebuild Iraq In U.S.

Theme Park Planned for Washington, Not Baghdad

Drawing of planned amusement park and resort where, “you’ll be greeted like a liberator.”

Richieville News Service– WASHINGTON, D.C.
The Pentagon confirmed today that it had indeed commissioned plans for a $5 billion Iraqi- themed resort but said the site of the proposed development was Washington, D.C., not Baghdad.  
“We said we were going to rebuild Iraq, and that’s what we’re going to do,” said Maj. General George Stanley, commander of the Army Corp of Engineers’ theme park division. “We’re just not going to rebuild it in Iraq.”
Iraqiland, the name of the new luxury resort and amusement park, will rise on the site of East Potomac Park, a spit of land in the Potomac River, not far from the Jefferson Memorial. It will include family-oriented, Iraqi-themed rides such as “Topple the Statue,” “Pirates of Blackwater,” and “You Stand Up, I’ll Sit Down.”
The plans for the development were first reported in the British newspaper The Guardian which said, apparently erroneously, that a golf course, shopping malls, a luxury hotel and skateboard ramps were to be built inside Baghdad’s Green Zone. 
“Of course we’re not building it there,” scoffed General Stanley. “Have you seen Baghdad lately?  It looks like a war zone.”
The general said the Army had rejected earlier plans to divide the park into areas called Shialand, Sunniworld, Kurdistan and Sadr City, after finding that those names were already taken. They settled instead on Democracyland, Freedomworld and Oilville. 
“Iraqiland will give Americans the chance to experience Iraq the way it should be experienced,” the general stated. “In Iraqiland you’ll be able to visit the tourist shop bazaar without armed guards and find weapons of mass destruction whenever you look for them.” He added that another benefit of the Washington site was that electricity would be available for the rides more than three hours a day. He said he expected the theme park to be especially popular with high-ranking members of the current administration.
“I understand the President and Vice President have both bought season passes,” he said. He added that he hoped that visiting the park would ease the process of transition for them when they left office next year. 
Construction on the park is to begin immediately, as soon as no-bid contracts can be awarded to Halliburton and KBR. Although the $5 billion price tag might seem high, the general said the public should rest assured it would not be a drain on taxpayers.  “Oh, it will pay for itself, we’re sure of it.” 

She’s No Pansy

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Senator Clinton Chews Off Own Leg
Vows To Keep Hopping Until Convention
 
Senator Clinton immediately after the leg-chewing incident.

Richieville News Service – Shepherdstown
As a crowd of  supporters in this West Virginia town looked on in horror this morning, Senator Hillary Clinton, her pantsuit caught in the door of her SUV as she arrived for a rally, quickly turned around and bit off her own foot. She then proceeded to hop unaided to the podium in front of the local VFW hall, where she grasped the lectern and defiantly addressed the stunned  gathering.
“That’s the type of candidate I am, and that’s the kind of president I’ll be,” she said, while Secret Service agents frantically tried to staunch the bleeding from her self-inflicted wound, “I won’t let anything stand in my way, not even my own extremities!”
  The throng of several hundred mainly white, mainly working class, mainly gun-toting, mainly beer-swilling women over 65  responded to this unprecedented show of grit with wild, almost ecstatic cheers. The candidate, clearly enjoying the outpouring of enthusiasm, added, “I told you I was a fighter. Well, I have news for you – I’m a biter , too!”
Although the moment was almost certainly unscripted and seemed to catch her staff off guard, by the next campaign stop they were already prepared with visual aids, distributing mannequin feet to the crowd for Ms. Clinton to autograph, much as she had signed boxing gloves at previous rallies. Her supporters had apparently heard of the incident and were clearly relishing it.
“That’s what I love about Hillary,” said Elmira Worthington, 72. “She knows how to take a punch – or a severed limb. She’s suffered through so much abuse. That’s why she’ll make a great president.”
In Washington, long-time Clinton advisor James Carville amended an earlier comment he had made about Mrs. Clinton’s toughness. “When I implied she had three balls, I was clearly wrong,” he said in his characteristic Cajun drawl. “She must have like a dozen. Now that’s  what I call a stump speech.”
The senator renewed her fighting stance at every campaign stop in this state, the site of the next of six decisive Democratic primaries. At one point, while knocking back eight pints in a row at a local union hall, she seemed momentarily overcome with emotion. “It’s so hard to be so tough,” she said, with a slight tremor in her voice. She put down the shot glass in her hand in order to wipe away a tear. “All the boys gang up on me. That’s why I have to obliterate them.”
The largely white, largely conservative, largely blue-collar, largely latte-hating demographic which forms her base seemed to relish Clinton’s increasingly aggressive, red-meat rhetoric. In nearby Clarksburg, Mary Janowicz waited patiently for the senator to arrive. She had brought along her two daughters,  age 11 and nine, to catch a glimpse of someone who might possibly be the first woman president of the United States. 
“I just wanted them to see this,” she said, “because Hillary is such a great feminist role model. She’s what I want them to grow up to be – a man with balls.”