Category Archives: Iraq

We’re Going To Iraqiland!

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Pentagon to Rebuild Iraq In U.S.

Theme Park Planned for Washington, Not Baghdad

Drawing of planned amusement park and resort where, “you’ll be greeted like a liberator.”

Richieville News Service– WASHINGTON, D.C.
The Pentagon confirmed today that it had indeed commissioned plans for a $5 billion Iraqi- themed resort but said the site of the proposed development was Washington, D.C., not Baghdad.  
“We said we were going to rebuild Iraq, and that’s what we’re going to do,” said Maj. General George Stanley, commander of the Army Corp of Engineers’ theme park division. “We’re just not going to rebuild it in Iraq.”
Iraqiland, the name of the new luxury resort and amusement park, will rise on the site of East Potomac Park, a spit of land in the Potomac River, not far from the Jefferson Memorial. It will include family-oriented, Iraqi-themed rides such as “Topple the Statue,” “Pirates of Blackwater,” and “You Stand Up, I’ll Sit Down.”
The plans for the development were first reported in the British newspaper The Guardian which said, apparently erroneously, that a golf course, shopping malls, a luxury hotel and skateboard ramps were to be built inside Baghdad’s Green Zone. 
“Of course we’re not building it there,” scoffed General Stanley. “Have you seen Baghdad lately?  It looks like a war zone.”
The general said the Army had rejected earlier plans to divide the park into areas called Shialand, Sunniworld, Kurdistan and Sadr City, after finding that those names were already taken. They settled instead on Democracyland, Freedomworld and Oilville. 
“Iraqiland will give Americans the chance to experience Iraq the way it should be experienced,” the general stated. “In Iraqiland you’ll be able to visit the tourist shop bazaar without armed guards and find weapons of mass destruction whenever you look for them.” He added that another benefit of the Washington site was that electricity would be available for the rides more than three hours a day. He said he expected the theme park to be especially popular with high-ranking members of the current administration.
“I understand the President and Vice President have both bought season passes,” he said. He added that he hoped that visiting the park would ease the process of transition for them when they left office next year. 
Construction on the park is to begin immediately, as soon as no-bid contracts can be awarded to Halliburton and KBR. Although the $5 billion price tag might seem high, the general said the public should rest assured it would not be a drain on taxpayers.  “Oh, it will pay for itself, we’re sure of it.” 

News Analysis: Democracy in Action

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Iraq Primary Heats Up
Candidates Seek to Destroy Each Other’s Credibility, Each Other
A recent debate in Iraq’s increasingly acrimonious primary election. 
Richieville News Service – BAGHDAD
The Iraq primary election campaign, which had seemed to moderate in recent days, returned to its previous level of rancor over the weekend, with rival candidates and their supporters throwing accusations at each other along with mortar fire and armor-piercing bullets. Both sides blamed the other for the increasingly negative tone of the contest, which will decide the winner of provincial elections to be held October 1. 
The elections, which will decide control of local governments and with them, control of oil revenues, are being contested by over 25 parties, known locally as “militias.” The ongoing primary process is to determine which of two groups, the Badr Organization or the Mahdi Army will represent the country’s majority Shia population in the general election. Both are grass-roots networks of enthusiastic college-age volunteers. The Badr Organization, linked to the Supreme Iraqi Islamic Council, backs Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. The Mahdi Army has coalesced around the maverick politician Muqtada al-Sadr. In recent weeks, Mr. al-Maliki has launched an aggressive campaign to cut into Mr. al-Sadr’s support, chiefly by killing his supporters.   
Despite recent reversals in Basra, Muqtada al-Sadr, whose party controls 30 of the 275 seats in parliament,  rejected calls that he quit the race, vowing to throw the “kitchen sink,” at his rival, Mr. al-Maliki. The so-called “kitchen sink” strategy, seen as a desperation measure, is known locally as an “open war of liberation.” He also complained of the “filthy military and media campaign,” being waged against him. Mr. al-Sadr’s remarks, in a conference call with major donors, were simultaneously broadcast over loudspeakers  to the 2.5 million residents of the vast Sadr City neighborhood in Baghdad.
Mr. al-Maliki retaliated quickly, calling Mr. al-Sadr a “whiner.” He also suggested that he was doing the radical cleric a favor by subjecting him to the same kind of attacks he would face in a general election. “If he can’t take the heat,” he said at a campaign rally, in which he was personally directing the assault on Mahdi Army positions in Sadr City,  “he should get out of the range of my rocket-propelled grenades.”
Although the United States has not made an official endorsement of either candidate, it has offered Mr. al-Maliki help with the loan of campaign workers from the 82nd Airborne Division But it seems the contest will ultimately be decided by superdelegates, known locally as “Iran.“