Richieville News Service – NUUK

A giant island of ice, more than four times the size of Manhattan, currently drifting towards the shipping lanes of the North Atlantic, did not separate from its glacier naturally as previously believed, say meteorologists. Instead, it appears the massive iceberg was created by hundreds of polar bears who either gnawed, scratched, or in some cases, urinated on the ice floe to break it off and send it floating toward more southern latitudes.

“The bears definitely did this,” said Dr. Hugh Lofting, head of the international team of scientists who traveled by helicopter to examine the ice island off the coast of Greenland. “Somehow they worked together to cut loose a massive section of the glacier. We think they must have been really pissed off.”

Dr. Lofting, who heads the Department of Ursine Psychology at Northumbria University, said his team was still trying to determine if the bears were intentionally trying to disrupt shipping or were merely trying to attract media attention. “We know that polar bears have been under a lot of stress lately,” he commented. “With global warming they’ve been forced to swim farther and farther to get to their fishing grounds at the edge of the ice cap. Some of them have been lost at sea and drowned. Others have starved to death. You can  see how this would make them angry.”

Skeptics immediately refuted the idea that polar bears had the intelligence or social organization to carry off such a large scale engineering project, either as a protest or for some other unexplained reason. But Dr. Lofting said his team remained convinced that the bears were attempting what he said was, “a publicity stunt.”

“Look, there was no note or anything,” said Dr. Lofting,  “Probably because bears can’t write.  But  we  don’t think we need a note to understand what they were trying to say. After all, the whole island is covered with bear crap.”