Category Archives: global warming

What’s In a Name?

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Oil, Coal To Get New Names
Fossil Fuel Industry Launches Major Rebranding Campaign

Oil wells are a thing of the past.

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C. 

In a major re-branding campaign aimed at countering negative public perceptions of their products, the fossil fuel industry today announced that oil and coal would be sold under new names, ones designed to highlight their “likeability” and “friendliness.”
“Oil and coal are things of the past,” said Terry Podsnap, a spokesman for Earth.Green, a fossil fuel trade organization. “Today, let me introduce you to Ollie and Carol, your energy friends.”

In addition to being the new names for oil and coal, Ollie and Carol are also the names of characters created by the same design team that came up with Wenlock and Mandville, the mascots for the 2012 London Olympics. According to press material, Ollie and Carol live in a magic organic garden at the base of an ancient redwood tree near an unspoiled wetlands in a house powered by the wings of friendly butterflies.
The public will be introduced to Ollie and Carol over the next few weeks through  print, television and Internet advertising,  YouTube videos and  Twitter posts. They will have their own Facebook page and the Disney Channel is developing an animated Ollie and Carol television program. 

Earth.Green said it hoped the re-branding effort would go a long way to repairing the damage caused by the Gulf oil spill and the recent West Virgina mine disaster. “Mountain top removal for coal mining sounds bad,” said Ms. Podsnap, “but who could be against getting Carol out from under a ton of rock? Everyone is against oil spills, but Ollie on the water sounds like fun, doesn’t it?”

The Earth.Green spokesman said if the early response to the Ollie and Carol marketing campaign was positive the trade group would move ahead with its next re-branding effort. “Say good-bye to Global Warming,” she told reporters. “And say hello to Willy Weather!”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Promise Progress

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G8 Leaders’ Annual Promise To Save 

The Planet Is Even Better Than Last Year’s

Leaders of the G8 nations after their historic promises.

Richieville News Service – RUSUTSU, JAPAN
In an atmosphere of festive self-congratulation, the leaders of the group of eight industrialized nations today announced their most far-reaching promises ever, far surpassing even the bold promises made at last year’s meeting. Experts in international policy said the pledges set a new standard in assurances,vows, proclamations and letters of intent that would be difficult if not impossible to match. 
“We are very proud of what we have accomplished here,” said Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda of Japan. “Last year we promised to seriously consider reducing greenhouse gases. This year we have promised to reduce greenhouse gases by 50%.  Of course, we didn’t say by 50% of what, but still that’s a mighty impressive promise, don’t you think?”
Mr. Fukuda was referring to the fact that the G8 leaders did not say if they had pledged to reduce carbon emissions from today’s levels or from  the 1990 levels specified in the Kyoto accords. “Levels, shmevels,” scoffed French President Nicolas Sarkozy. “The important thing is we pledged to reduce them. We can iron out the details when we make our big promises next year.”
Many observers pointed out that President Bush, who has strenuously resisted making any promises to do something about climate change, had finally agreed to pledge to take action. At this meeting he promised, along with the other leaders,  that the G8 countries would absolutely begin taking steps to reduce carbon emissions as long as China, India and other developing economies agreed to so, too.
“I’m the decider,” Mr. Bush said, while giving British Prime Minister Gordon Brown a wedgie, “and I’ve decided to do something about this here global warmness, but only if Hu Jintao decides first.” He was referring to President Hu Jintao of China. “I just hope he can get me tickets to the U.S. – China basketball game.”
President Angela Merkel of Germany was quick to point out that besides vowing to do something about climate change, the leaders had made promises about many other pressing world problems. “We promised to do something about world food shortages,” she said as she left the dining hall where the leaders had feasted on an 18-course banquet. “And we promised to do something about poverty in Africa, too. I know that promises alone won’t solve anything, but whatever we don’t solve at this meeting, we’ll talk about at our next meeting. I promise.”