Truth Or Consequences

No Sex For Israel
Rape By Deception Verdict 
Leaves Country Tense, Frustrated
Richieville News Service – JERUSALEM

Tempers flared and tensions continued to rise across the country of Israel as a  recent court case  forced many citizens to choose between celibacy or jail. On Tuesday a Jerusalem court sentenced a married Arab man to 18 months in prison for telling a Jewish woman he was single and Jewish and then having sex with her.
The man, Sammy Kashur, was convicted of what the court called, “rape by deception,” even though the couple engaged in consensual sex during their one-night stand and it was only after the woman found out that Mr. Kashur is Arab that she filed charges against him. The verdict is having far-reaching consequences as Israelis of all walks of life are being forced to reconsider and in many cases abandon their strategies for engaging in sexual relations.
“At first I wasn’t worried,” said Avrum Shevak, an office worker from Tel Aviv. “I figured they only convicted the guy because he’s Arab. But then the judges said that was just a coincidence, his being Arab had absolutely nothing to do with it and the whole thing wasn’t some bigoted attempt to defend the purity of Jewish women. So now what am I going to do? Tell girls the truth, that I live with my mother and I flunked out of college? I’ll never get laid again!”
Mr. Shevak’s concerns were echoed by many single men who, in order to impress a woman and get her into bed, had routinely lied about their income, career, education, intelligence, sexual stamina, political affiliations, knowledge of literature, prison record, mysterious rash, brain damage, drug addiction, fear of clowns, drinking problem, desire to have children,  former life as a woman, belief in marriage, belief in God, athletic prowess in high school, plans for the future, liking little yapping dogs, owning a sailboat, owning a Ferrari, being a fan of classical music, modern dance and/or ballet, having swum with sharks off Bali, not being gay, knowing a guy who knows a guy who can get a great deal on knock-off handbags, liking cats, having once shared an elevator with Mick Jagger, having read the works of French philosopher Michel Foucault, understanding the works of French philosopher Michel Foucault, knowing who the hell is Michel Foucault, being a nice guy, being a vegetarian, being a good listener, calling her the next day and being interested in more than sex, among other things.
According to legal experts, married men could also face jail time for lying to their wives in order to obtain sex, for example, by saying, “No, those jeans don’t make you look fat,” or “Yes, I remembered to take out the garbage.” In addition, the law is gender neutral, so women are guilty of rape by deception if they utter pre-sex falsehoods such as, “Yes, they’re real,”  “No, it’s not too small,” and “Of course I’d be attracted to you if you weren’t rich.” 

Citizens of other nations were anxiously following developments in Israel, in case similar laws were enacted in their homelands. Several YouTube videos, that professed to show ways to get sex while being completely honest, quickly went viral.

Meanwhile, in Israel, authorities stuck by their assertion that the law would be applied evenly to all ethnic groups, despite the unforeseen consequences of the ruling. “That’s right, no more lying to get sex, by anyone,” said one spokesman for the court. “Even if it means cutting the birthrate down to zero. After all, what’s the alternative? We don’t want people to think we’re racists.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

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