Please Quote Me!

Troops In Afghanistan Mob Reporters,
Seeking To Give Rolling Stone Interviews

Richieville News Service – KABUL
U.S. troops across Afghanistan eagerly sought out journalists today as they tried, unsuccessfully, to give interviews to reporters from Rolling Stone Magazine. The soldiers were reacting to news reports that General Stanley A. McChrystal, after being quoted in the magazine as being highly critical of the Obama administration, had been summoned to Washington and might be replaced. The troops stationed here, many on their third or even fourth deployment, seem to have universally come to the same conclusion, that insulting a member of the administration and being quoted in Rolling Stone is the equivalent of a ticket home.
As a result of this widely-held belief, journalists across Afghanistan were being met today by cries of, “Hey! Are you from Rolling Stone? Joe Biden is a moron!” Upon being told that the journalist in question is not from Rolling Stone, the soldiers invariable reply with a suggestion that cannot be reprinted in a family newspaper.
Lt. Elise Q. Rodriguez, stationed at Bagram Air Base, explained the soldiers’ reactions. “If I had known that insulting James L. Jones could get me sent home, I would have done it months ago. James L. Jones is an idiot. How’s that? Insulting enough? I can be more insulting if you want. By the way, who the hell is James L. Jones? Isn’t he, like, the voice of Darth Vader? No? You did say you were from Rolling Stone, right? No? Well, then go (expletive deleted).”
It is not clear why the soldiers believe that only an interview with Rolling Stone would have the desired effect. Soldiers are notoriously superstitious and the feeling among some here is that only saying exactly the same words to the same magazine will result in being recalled to the United States. For that reason, many of the troops have downloaded the original story and are in the process of memorizing it. 
“Do you know any reporters for Rolling Stone?” L.t Rodriguez asked this reporter. “No? Well, do you have a phone number for one? Can you get me a phone number? An email address?  Anything? No? Well, then what (expletive deleted) good are you?”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

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