Category Archives: anti-depressants

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Stop Worrying –

The “No Drama” Obama Way

Friends, do you wish there was less drama in your life? Are you worried, anxious, nervous, apprehensive or just plain stressed out? And by any chance, is one of the things you’re worried about the national debt? Well, stop worrying, because thanks to an astounding breakthrough in anger management and stress reduction, you can now solve both problems at once. That’s right – there’s a way to reduce the nation’s stress and its debt with one simple solution. What is it? It’s the ObamaSerenity Method for Anger Management and Stress Relief.

Yes, this revolutionary new system (actually a quite moderate system that some people just think is revolutionary) is guaranteed to let you keep your cool no matter what life throws at you.

You may have heard pundits on TV complain about the President’s annoyingly calm and laid-back manner. You may have heard his liberal allies beg him to once, just once, get angry at somebody, anybody. But tell the truth – don’t you secretly wish you could be just like him? Don’t you wish you could meet the challenges of life with the same tranquil, unruffled composure?

Well, now you can!

Just imagine being able to stay focused and calm during these all-too-common aggravating situations: 
• Someone shouts, “You lie!” while you’re addressing a joint session of Congress. 
• Right-wing talk show hosts and political fringe elements say you’re not an American citizen.
• As if you didn’t have enough problems, some greedy oil company creates an environmental catastrophe with an oil-spewing, unpluggable hole at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico.

What’s that? Sounds too good to be true? You don’t believe the ObamaSerenity Method can work? Well, guess what? You’ve already seen it in action! Yes, friends, this is the very same anger management and stress reduction method used by the President of the United States as seen on national TV. And now the ObamaSerenity Method for Anger Management and Stress Reduction can be yours!

On each disk of this handy fifteen-DVD set, President Obama will personally guide you step-by-step through every one of the anger management and stress reduction techniques he’s perfected over a lifetime of navigating America’s complex racial and cultural divides. Then he’ll show you how to apply those techniques to your very own anxiety-inducing problems. Lessons include:
• How to end two wars at the same time. 
• What to do when Greece’s national debt derails your economic recovery plans.
• Why it’s not, “your Katrina.”
• How to get called a Nazi, socialist, secret Muslim terrorist agent destroying the very fabric of America and laugh your way through it. 

And here’s the best part – if you act now, all profits from the sale of the ObamaSerenity Method will be applied to the national debt. That’s right, every penny you spend will not only help you become cooler and more Obama-like, but will help reduce the crushing burden of the deficit for generations to come! Why, it’s like getting twice the stress relief for the same price!

When you use the ObamaSerenity Method for Anger Management and Stress Reduction, your friends and co-workers will notice how confident and unflappable you seem. They may even ask you if you’re taking a new anti-depressant. And your unshakeable self-control will drive your enemies into a frantic rage.

Can’t wait to get started? Get  the ObamaSerenity Method  and feel better today, the no drama, Obama way.  

(Warning: The ObamaSerenity Method is not intended for use by liberal bloggers, conservative pundits or anyone whose political affiliations include the word tea. Will not improve your basketball game. Does not require a cloture vote before using. May cause periods of inaction followed by sharp bursts of rhetorical brilliance.)

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Tea Parties Disperse As Health

Industry Restores Medications

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.
Membership in Tea Party organizations around the country plummeted today as the health industry abandoned a clandestine yearlong effort to withhold medications from large sections of the population. The top secret collusion between big pharmaceutical companies and the health insurance lobby came to light as top executives admitted that since early 2009, they had prevented certain demographic groups from obtaining anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs, replacing them with placebos. The plan, aimed at preventing the passage of a health insurance reform bill, was now being abandoned and several executives expressed remorse at the unforeseen consequences of their actions.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” said Sylvester Veneering, CEO of Wellness Healthness, Inc. “We figured people would get a little wacky and shout down the health reform bill. But we didn’t know they’d get this crazy! I mean, all this stuff about Obama’s birth certificate? The militias? The law in Georgia allowing folks to carry guns into airports?  These folks need to take a pill – and from now on, we’re going to make sure they do.”

Mr. Veneering promised that correct medications would begin replacing placebos immediately and anecdotal evidence seemed to suggest that the drugs were already beginning to take effect. Many of the most hardcore Tea Party supporters awoke to find that they no longer agreed with the extreme political positions they had held only hours earlier. 
Mary Sykes, of Cincinnati, called the local police to report that someone had left piles of placards in her house, many with doctored photos showing President Obama riding a camel while wearing a Nazi uniform. The responding officers had some difficulty convincing Ms. Sykes that the placards were in fact hers. She finally accepted their explanation after she saw herself on YouTube screaming about a government takeover of Medicare. 
“It was very embarrassing,” she later told reporters. “I looked like I was off my meds.”
Mr. Veneering said the health industry was now braced for an onslaught of lawsuits from former Tea Party activists, but he appeared to accept that as an inevitable cost of trying to alter the political landscape with mental illness. “Hey! You win some, you lose some,” he said. He promised that all prescriptions would be properly filled from now on. “And those folks in Arizona?” he added. “We’re going to up their dosage.”