Category Archives: British Petroleum

Who, Us?

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BP Is Satan, Say Exxon Mobil, 
Chevron, ConocoPhillips and Shell

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, DC
Executives from four major oil companies testifying before a Congressional committee unanimously agreed that rival British Petroleum was not only responsible for the massive Gulf Coast oil spill but is in fact the spawn of the devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the embodiment of true evil in the world, the Prince of Darkness and really, really bad. The Chairmen of Exxon Mobil, Chevron, ConocoPhillips and Shell made it clear, however, that their companies, the four biggest oil producers in the world, had absolutely nothing in common with British Petroleum, also known by the names the Great Serpent, Adramelech, Leviathan, Bael, Vinz Clortho and Zuul.

“We would not have drilled the well the way they did,” said Rex Tillerson, chief executive of Exxon Mobil. “That’s because we are good and BP is the Great Antichrist.”

The four executives went to great lengths to assure the lawmakers and the public that they would never, ever, do anything irresponsible in the quest for a bigger return on their investment, like say, pollute the Niger River delta in Nigeria, home to 30 million people, or Prince William Sound in Alaska, or the Atlantic, the Pacific and even the Fergana Valley in Uzbekistan. 
“We are pure of heart, our souls are immaculate and angels sing our praises,” said John Watson, Chairman of Chevron. “Trust us, we’re nothing like BP.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Don’t Look Now

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BP Exec Says Studying
Oil Leak Makes It Larger

Richieville News Service – NEW ORLEANS

In response to a new government finding that the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico is several times greater than originally estimated, executives from British Petroleum released their own study which they say proves the leak has grown larger with each new attempt to measure it. 
“I know it sounds weird,” said Herbert A. Podsnap, BP Vice President of Epistemological Research, “but each time you try to measure it, it only gets bigger. That’s why we should stop trying.”
Mr. Podsnap said that the phenomenon was possibly related to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle or perhaps the well-established paradox of not knowing if the refrigerator light goes out when you close the door. Apparently BP scientists were aware of this problem early on in the crisis, which is why they tried to restrict access to underwater video of the wellhead and other data.
“The leak was only 1,000 barrels a day when it started,” he said. “You can look it up – it’s right there in our press release. But each time someone studied it, it got bigger. First it went to 5,000 barrels, then 19,000. Now it’s up to 40,000 barrels a day, maybe more. I tell you, we all need to stop looking at this before it’s too late!”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.