As reported in the New York Times, biologists working with DNA from fossil bones believe they have proof that early humans mated with Neanderthals, perhaps 60,000 years ago. “This shows we have a lot to learn about the sexuality of our ancestors,” said Dr. Hans Werfel of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany. 

As if to prove his point, another team of researchers announced they had found evidence of the earliest known gay marriage. The ceremony, which seems to have been attended by a large tribe of stone age hunter-gatherers, took place in a cave in southern France approximately 12,000 years ago, during the last Ice Age. Although the cave had been well-known to paleontologists for many years, it was only recently that scientists realized it was the site of a prehistoric same-sex wedding.

“It was the cave paintings,” said Dr. Henrik Nordanwall, of the Center for Biochemical, Statistical and Expressive Anthropology at the University of Vermont. “For years, we thought the drawings depicted hunting scenes, but new analysis show they are in fact a narrative that when translated means roughly, ‘Oog Has Two Mommies.'”

Dr. Nordanwall said evidence of gay marriage has been found at other neolithic habitation sites, including artifacts such as his and his spear throwers. “We don’t know how common same-sex relationships were among Ice Age tribes,” he said, “but we are finding it was pretty widespread.”

Apparently, there were some tribes that did not accept same-sex unions, with some wall paintings warning that gay marriage would anger, “The Giant Red Auroch Who Lives Under The Waterfall.”  On the other hand, it appears that shamans in many tribes believed that same-sex unions pleased, “The Magic Willow Tree Who Occasionally Steals Goats.” 

“We have a lot to learn about early gay marriage,” said Dr. Nordanwall. “For example, how did same-sex partners divide hunting and gathering?” But he expected knowledge to accumulate quickly now that scientists have a way of identifying neolithic gay marriage locations. “You can find the gay marriage sites pretty easily, once you know how,” he said. “Just look for the caves with the rainbow flag painted over the entrance.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel Rate Me Red.