Category Archives: money

Richieville Explains The Recession, Part II

1 Reply
Money Is More Valuable When 
Owned By Rich People
Research Uncovers New Properties Of Wealth

Richieville News Service – CHICAGO
Using only notepads, pencils and sheer brain power, researchers at the University of Chicago have discovered a heretofore-unknown principle of economics, proving that money somehow becomes more valuable when it is owned by rich people.

“All money is created equal, but it doesn’t stay equal,” said Milton Bradley, the University’s Professor of Metaphysical Market Relations. “When wealth is acquired by the wealthy, it takes on unique properties it didn’t have before. You could say it becomes more potent, shinier, even sexier. It’s no longer boring like poor people’s money. Bill Gates once showed me a quarter he took out of his pocket. It was mesmerizing.” 

Professor Bradley said the unusual quality of rich people’s cash had far-reaching implications, especially during the current economic crisis. “To the uneducated,” he explained, “it might seem that taking a dollar from a rich person in taxes has the exact same effect on the economy as taking a dollar from a teacher or fireman with a wage cut. But that’s assuming that a dollar is a dollar, which we know is not the case.”

“Furthermore,” the professor continued, “to the unsophisticated it might seem that taking a dollar out of a wealthy person’s bank account and giving it to a civil servant would speed the recovery, since the civil servant will spend that dollar on goods and services. Wrong again!  Once separated from its wealthy owner, money loses its magic powers to do good. It becomes dull, lifeless and hardly worth thinking about. That’s why we have trained economists like myself, experts who realize that taking money away from the rich is a mistake. “
Professor Bradly said he was not sure exactly how money took on magical properties when owned by the wealthy, but said it might be some sort of magnifying effect, the result of being in close proximity to lots of other cash. And he was adamant that any attempt to pry more dollars from the affluent would lead to economic disaster, earthquakes, massive oil spills and the return of the black plague.

“I admit it’s hard to believe, but there’s one sure way to test this theory,” the professor said in conclusion. “Just keep giving money to rich people and see what happens.”
For further reading on this topic, see the previous Richieville report, “Treasury To Redesign Bills – Poor To Get Their Own Currency.”


For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Second-Class Cash

Leave a reply

Treasury To Redesign Bills

Poor To Get Their Own Currency
The poor have special money needs. 

Richieville News Service – Washington, D.C.
The Treasury Department today announced plans for a complete redesign of U.S. currency, creating a separate class of money to be used exclusively by the nation’s poor. Treasury officials said the new poor people’s currency would include features meant to, “enhance the money-owning experience.” The decision followed last week’s federal court ruling ordering a redesign of the currency to add features to help the visually impaired. 
“We realized that the poverty-stricken also have special monetary needs,” explained Felix G. Moynihan, of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. “For example, a lot of them have less money than rich people. So we thought maybe we could figure out ways they could get more enjoyment out of the few dollars they do have. Like, we could print them in really bright colors, or run a comic strip on the back.”
Other entertainment features envisioned for the new bills include holographic, three-dimensional photos of movie stars or sports legends and embedded sound chips like those found in some greeting cards. The chips would be programmed to tell a joke or play a snippet of pop music every time the bill was withdrawn from a wallet or purse. 
“Imagine you want to buy a gallon of milk that costs four dollars and you only have three,” the Treasury spokesman said. “Having singing money will really take the sting out of that.” He added that the Treasury was also in talks with Apple Computer about the feasibility of downloading music or television shows directly into dollar bills. One drawback to the scheme is the fact that the cost of the download might be more than the value of the bill itself.
Mr. Moynihan said that the higher costs of printing bills with these features could be offset by selling advertising on the currency or through sponsorship deals. For example, the five dollar bill could become the Microsoft five dollar bill. However, he stressed that Abraham Lincoln’s picture would remain on the bill regardless of the sponsor. 
He also revealed that the department was considering another set of currency designed for the nation’s wealthy. Unlike the somewhat gaudy bills envisioned for the poor, the rich people’s currency would be small, unobtrusive and printed in tastefully muted shades of gray. There would be no denomination markings, following the principle that if you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it. The bills would also be printed with special codes making them immune to taxes.
 “Right now we spend so much of our time trying to re-jigger the tax code to keep the wealthy from paying their share,” Mr. Moynihan explained. “Giving them tax-free money will save us a lot of headaches, let me tell you.”
Some critics of the design plans said there was a danger that the poor would become too attached to their new bills and not want to spend them, but Mr. Moynihan disagreed. “We think the poor will still have incentives to spend, like for instance, hunger and the need for shelter.”
As for the idea, advanced by some, that the currency needs of the poor could best be met by giving them more of it, the Treasury spokesman had this to say, “The problem of poor people having less money is very complex, we don’t want to just throw money at it.”