Category Archives: Tea Party

Parallel Universes

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Lost Fans Clash 
With Tea Party Activists

Fight Over Whether Obama’s Birth 
Certificate Was On The Island

Richieville News Service – CHARLOTTE, NC
What began as a heated discussion in a downtown bar grew into a violent street brawl  as hundreds of fans of the now-ended TV series Lost faced off with members of local Tea Party organizations. The disagreement apparently was sparked by conflicting parallel universe theories held by the two groups, including  whether the phrase “moving on,” used by characters in the series finale, referred to a multi-faith afterlife or was in fact a subliminal plug for the liberal activist group, MoveOn.
“They started it,” claimed Thomas Hobbes, who said he had been attending a Lost viewing party at J.J. Rousseau’s, a local cajun-style bar and eatery.  A number of Tea Party adherents were there at the same time, reportedly to discuss the ways in which health care reform is not constitutional.  According to eyewitnesses, the two groups quickly found that their alternate views of reality were not compatible.
“Someone asked where the series was shot and we told them Hawaii,” Mr. Hobbes told this reporter. “So then this Tea Party guy said that President Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii. So we told them that was nuts. So then he said that it was nuts to think that the island could be moved in space and time just by turning a donkey wheel at the island’s base. So we said what was really nuts was thinking that the federal government couldn’t outlaw discrimination in private enterprise. That really ticked them off.”
According to Sergeant Voltaire of the Charlotte Police Department, the argument quickly spread into the street where the opposing sides hurled insults and the occasional beer bottle at each other.  
“The Lost fans got pretty steamed when the Tea Party crowd claimed the crash survivors had been dead all along,” Sgt. Voltaire said. “But then Lost fans said that Social Security doesn’t violate the Tenth Amendment and the Tea Party group really went off the deep end. That’s when we called for reinforcements.”
According to the police, in spite of the hours-long standoff there were few reported injuries.  “We were lucky,” said Sgt. Voltaire. “Imagine if they had been fans of 24.”



For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Take a Pill

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Tea Parties Disperse As Health

Industry Restores Medications

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.
Membership in Tea Party organizations around the country plummeted today as the health industry abandoned a clandestine yearlong effort to withhold medications from large sections of the population. The top secret collusion between big pharmaceutical companies and the health insurance lobby came to light as top executives admitted that since early 2009, they had prevented certain demographic groups from obtaining anti-depressants and anti-psychotic drugs, replacing them with placebos. The plan, aimed at preventing the passage of a health insurance reform bill, was now being abandoned and several executives expressed remorse at the unforeseen consequences of their actions.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” said Sylvester Veneering, CEO of Wellness Healthness, Inc. “We figured people would get a little wacky and shout down the health reform bill. But we didn’t know they’d get this crazy! I mean, all this stuff about Obama’s birth certificate? The militias? The law in Georgia allowing folks to carry guns into airports?  These folks need to take a pill – and from now on, we’re going to make sure they do.”

Mr. Veneering promised that correct medications would begin replacing placebos immediately and anecdotal evidence seemed to suggest that the drugs were already beginning to take effect. Many of the most hardcore Tea Party supporters awoke to find that they no longer agreed with the extreme political positions they had held only hours earlier. 
Mary Sykes, of Cincinnati, called the local police to report that someone had left piles of placards in her house, many with doctored photos showing President Obama riding a camel while wearing a Nazi uniform. The responding officers had some difficulty convincing Ms. Sykes that the placards were in fact hers. She finally accepted their explanation after she saw herself on YouTube screaming about a government takeover of Medicare. 
“It was very embarrassing,” she later told reporters. “I looked like I was off my meds.”
Mr. Veneering said the health industry was now braced for an onslaught of lawsuits from former Tea Party activists, but he appeared to accept that as an inevitable cost of trying to alter the political landscape with mental illness. “Hey! You win some, you lose some,” he said. He promised that all prescriptions would be properly filled from now on. “And those folks in Arizona?” he added. “We’re going to up their dosage.”