Category Archives: elections

Those Were The Days

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Republicans Hope To 
Ride Wave Of Nostalgia

Voters Yearn For Good Old Days Of 2008

 The good old days.

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON
Republican strategists across the country believe they are poised to make big gains in the coming midterm elections, based on poll numbers that show many voters gripped by an unexplained wave of nostalgia for the year 2008. According to pollsters, this collective national yearning hits across the political spectrum and takes the form of a longing for a bygone era when life seemed simpler.

“Life seemed simpler then,” remarked Horace T. Pettigrew, an online used car salesman and  self-described Tea Party member from   Grand Rapids, Michigan. “David Cook was the American Idol – remember him? And the entire world economy was about to collapse. Boy, do I miss that.”

Mary G. Pendergast, a hair extensions importer from Fort Worth, also remembers 2008 as a high point. “That was the year Matt chose Shayne on The Bachelor.  Also we were fighting two open-ended wars in Asia. Why couldn’t things go on like that forever? Back then the whole world hated us – the way they’re supposed to. Plus, in 2008, I’m pretty sure we didn’t have any Muslims living in the U.S. We sure didn’t have one in the White House.”
Surprisingly, the desire to return to the days before Lady Gaga, 3-d movies and a national health insurance  law includes supporters of President Obama as well as opponents. Marvin B. Pottishaw, a video blogger from Sacramento, was an enthusiastic supporter of candidate Obama in 2008. “Before Obama I had never voted for a candidate I liked who actually won,” he said with wistful look.  “It was easy to have an opinion about politics – I just automatically hated anyone in power. Now I can’t tell if Obama is trying his best against very tough opposition or is he just another Democratic sellout? It’s very disorienting. At least with Bush  I knew what to think.”

While anecdotal evidence suggests that some voters may not harbor a wish to return to the idyllic days of 24 months ago, for others the choice is clear. “I’m voting for anyone who can restore things the way they were,” said Mr. Pettigrew. “There’s still hope. The Democrats haven’t been able to mess everything up. We still have an economic crisis, Afghanistan, tax cuts for the rich, global warming and a load of other stuff left over from the past. And  best of all, there’s still a couple of Bushes who haven’t been President yet.”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Just Wait

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Republican Married Gay Black 
Woman Wins Presidency In 2048!

Richieville News Service  – WASHINGTON D.C.
Using new computer algorithms that can successfully extrapolate current voting trends, several polling organizations have reached the same startling conclusion – not only will the Republican Party still be in existence in the year 2048, but its nominee, a married, gay black woman, will be elected President. However, the pollsters noted that her election would not be a historic first, since by that time voters will have sent a Democratic woman, a Democratic married gay man and a Democratic Hispanic transsexual to  the White House.
“This is not very surprising,” said Nate Gold, a pollster from the site, DiviNation.com. “It follows the historic pattern. About thirty years after the Republicans oppose equal rights for a group, they start nominating them for office. So by 2044, they’ll have caught up on married gays.”
Mr. Gold pointed to the  current group of Republican women candidates, including Meg Whitman, Carly Fiorina and Nikki Haley as evidence of the Republican tendency to lag three decades behind the rest of the country. “The Democrats nominated a woman for Vice President in 1984 and the Republicans did it in 2008,” he said. “So we can expect them to nominate an African American sometime around 2036. Since Democrats are just coming around on gay marriage, look for the GOP to make the transition around the middle of this century.”
Mr. Gold said it was impossible to predict if the media at that time will be full of  stories congratulating the Republicans for finally doing what the Democrats have done for years. “Well, it will be 2048, so we don’t really know if people will be getting news by hologram, ESP or broadband brain implants,” he said.  “But the chances are pretty good that whatever the media, the message will be just as moronic as it is today.”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.