Category Archives: oil spill

Drill Team

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GOP Calls For Exploratory Drilling 

To Find Non-Leaking Wells

Richieville News Service – WASHINGTON, D.C.
Criticizing President Obama’s moratorium on new offshore oil wells as harmful to the economy, leading Republicans and some Democrats called for a program of exploratory drilling to find wells that wouldn’t leak.
“We know that the oil spill in the Gulf has made drilling unpopular,” said Harry G. Shaver, a Republican strategist. “But the solution is simple – just find wells that don’t leak. And how do you find wells that don’t leak? You drill for them.”
The administration has ordered a halt of all activity on deepwater rigs similar to the one that exploded in April, killing 11 workers, until the causes of the disaster are better understood. But Gulf Coast politicians like Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal have been sharply critical of  the policy, saying the halt is not necessary.

Mr. Shaver agreed. “We’re only thinking of the poor oil workers,” he said. “Why should we shut down rigs that haven’t exploded? It just doesn’t make sense. This moratorium on drilling will create an economic disaster. Why, it could ruin this area for years to come.  It could destroy our way of life. Can you imagine something like that?”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

Don’t Look Now

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BP Exec Says Studying
Oil Leak Makes It Larger

Richieville News Service – NEW ORLEANS

In response to a new government finding that the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico is several times greater than originally estimated, executives from British Petroleum released their own study which they say proves the leak has grown larger with each new attempt to measure it. 
“I know it sounds weird,” said Herbert A. Podsnap, BP Vice President of Epistemological Research, “but each time you try to measure it, it only gets bigger. That’s why we should stop trying.”
Mr. Podsnap said that the phenomenon was possibly related to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle or perhaps the well-established paradox of not knowing if the refrigerator light goes out when you close the door. Apparently BP scientists were aware of this problem early on in the crisis, which is why they tried to restrict access to underwater video of the wellhead and other data.
“The leak was only 1,000 barrels a day when it started,” he said. “You can look it up – it’s right there in our press release. But each time someone studied it, it got bigger. First it went to 5,000 barrels, then 19,000. Now it’s up to 40,000 barrels a day, maybe more. I tell you, we all need to stop looking at this before it’s too late!”

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.