Category Archives: oil spill

Conjure This!

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Louisiana Expands Search 
For Lost Mojo
National Guard To Assist
Richieville News Service – NEW ORLEANS
Reeling from the second catastrophic disaster to hit their shores in five years, officials in Louisiana announced today that they were redoubling efforts to find the state’s lost mojo, believed to be the root cause of the phenomenally bad luck the state has been experiencing. National Guard units joined Louisiana State Troopers and local law enforcement officers in the hunt, which will now expand into Mississippi and Texas.
“We’re looking for a red flannel bag, about three inches across,” said Big Mama Odie, the Louisiana Commissioner  for Culture, Tourism and Hoodoo, “tied with piece of leather made from the tail of a female opossum.”
Ms. Odie declined to answer questions about the bag’s contents, although according to a source in the Governor’s office, they are said to include a black cat bone, snakeskin and tobacco snuff.
“The bag has been missing since July 2005,” Ms. Odie told reporters. “We don’t know if it was just misplaced or it was stolen by someone who means us harm, but we are working round the clock to get it back.”
Ms. Odie also would not comment on possible counter measures being planned by state authorities, including charms, curses, hexes, voodoo dolls or zombie incarnations.
“Just let’s say that whoever took this is going to be mighty sorry,” she said . “We don’t know a conjure to fix oil leaks, but we do know a few that will make you need a good dermatologist. Did you hear that, BP?”  

For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.

The Turtles! The Turtles!

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Sea Turtles Change Migration Route Surround BP Headquarters 
Biologists At Loss To Explain Strange Behavior
Richieville News Service – LONDON
Biologists today remain mystified over strange new migration patterns on the part of rare  Kemp’s Ridley sea turtles, apparently a result of the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The turtles, natives of the Gulf, are usually guided by instinct to swim over hundreds of miles of open sea to return to the same beaches on which they were hatched. Now, however, they have journeyed across the Atlantic to St. James Square, London, where thousands of them have surrounded the headquarters of British Petroleum.
“It’s quite amazing, really,” said Dr. Phyllis J. Chelonia, Professor of Amphibian and Reptilian Psychology at Northumbria University. “Not only did these magnificent creatures swim over seven thousand kilometers, but they also managed to cross Piccadilly Circus without being run down.” 
Dr. Chelonia and other biologists at the scene could not explain why the 100-pound aquatic animals had made the trip or for that matter, why they were ominously perched in large clusters on trees branches and utility poles.  
“Do you see the way they’re balancing on those power lines?” she remarked to this reporter. “They must have some inborn gyroscopic mechanism. It’s fascinating.”
Ms. Melanie Daniels, sitting at the wheel of her silver Aston Martin sports car, said that she first saw the turtles when they came ashore near a pet shop in Brighton. “I had just purchased two pet turtles for this young man I know when the sea turtles waded ashore and started marching up the A23. It was like they knew where they were going.”
There were reports that the first Kemp’s Ridleys to arrive had thrown themselves against the glass doors of the BP office, but then retreated to their current positions on street lamps and ledges of nearby buildings. However, Dr. Chelonia scoffed at the idea that the reptiles were capable of some sort of organized attack on the corporation that had befouled their natural habitat and threatened them with extinction.
“Turtles are vegetarians and non aggressive species,” she said. “In addition, they do not possess the intelligence to mount a coordinated campaign of this sort. The idea that they would menace humans is simply absurd. Besides what would they do if they did attack? Peck us to death?”



For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.