Scientist Says Gravity Is An Illusion
Wall Street Sees Economic Opportunity
GOP Blames Obama
Better get yours now.
Richieville News Service – NEW YORK CITY
Cities across the globe were eerily calm today, following reports that respected Dutch physicist and string theory expert Erik Verlinde has found that gravity, long thought to be one of the fundamental forces of nature, is in fact an illusion. In response to the news, governments had braced for riots, mass hysteria, nationwide traffic jams and a descent into cannibalistic savagery, but the disturbances so far have not materialized.
Law enforcement officials said they believed that panic and civil unrest were averted thanks to widespread dissemination of Professor Verlinde’s paper, “On The Origin of Gravity and the Laws of Newton.” Although dismayed to learn that there is no force to keep us from flying off the face of the planet, readers of the paper were relieved by its explanation that, “Newton’s law of gravitation is shown to arise naturally and unavoidably in a theory in which space is emergent through a holographic scenario.”
On Wall Street, stocks rose sharply on reports of a huge upturn in sales of Crazy Glue, Velcro, staples, nails, duct tape and other fastening products as millions of people sought to make sure their possessions, spouses, children and pets did not float away. Home Depot and other hardware retailers also reported brisk turnover in rope, clamps and bungee cords. Some financial analysts were predicting that with the repeal of the laws of gravity, the Dow would climb past 16,000 by the end of the year, but others were more cautious.
Meanwhile, the Republican leadership in Congress was quick to blame the non-existence of gravity on President Obama and said this turn of events was further proof of the Democrats’ hidden agenda to destroy the very fabric of our society and change the nature of spacetime as defined by Einstein.
“We don’t understand a word of what that string theory guy is talking about,” said GOP spokesman Greg Podnsap, “but we know he’s dead wrong. Maybe those Europeans are ready to give up gravity without a fight, but real Americans are going to hold on to it- with both hands!”
For more Richieville humor, read the comic sci-fi novel, Rate Me Red.