Category Archives: climate change

Eyes On The Prize

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Bush, Seeking Peace in Mideast

Threatens War With Sweden

President Bush issued a called for peace, “somewhere, anywhere.”
Richieville News Service – JERUSALEM
With the clock ticking on his presidency and frustrated with the slow pace of Mideast peace negotiations, President George Bush today threatened to invade Sweden if he was not immediately awarded the Nobel Prize.
“I’m a peace maker,” he said, speaking to reporters here on the first leg of his five-day, three-country Middle East trip. “Peace makers make peace. That’s what they do. And then they get one of those noble prizes on account of how noble they been. Well, where’s my prize?”
Mr. Bush went on to say that he had already brought peace, democracy and freedom to Iraq. “That alone ought to get me a prize. I mean, Al Gore got one just for a stupid slide show. Plus, climate change wasn’t even real when he made that thing. It was just a lucky guess. I tell you, if the Supreme Court gave out these noble prizes, I’d have about six of ’em by now.”
The President expressed his displeasure with the fact that chances for a quick peace accord seem dim. “When I was here back in January, I told you people that there was going to be peace before I left office in 2009. Well, what about it? It just don’t seem like anyone has been doing anything to make that happen. Don’t you people have any consideration for me? Don’t you know I’m the President?”
Mr. Bush dismissed the recent fighting in Lebanon, the worst in decades, as inconsequential. “Birth pangs of democracy,” he said, in a folksy twang. “That’s what you get when you give birth. You get pangs. You give birth, then you get pangs. Birth – pangs. You see what I’m talking about?”
He then repeated his intention of launching a military attack on Sweden. “They got my prize and if they don’t send it over, well, we’re just going to have to go get it. And if those peaceniks try to resist, I say, ‘Bring it on.'” A reporter pointed out that an attack on Sweden might be futile since the Nobel Peace Prize is awarded in the neighboring country of Norway. 
“Sweden, Norway, Sunni, Shia – whatever,” the President shrugged. “As long as I get to bring that trophy back to my ranch.” He then concluded with an impassioned call for peace. “I gotta have peace somewhere, anywhere, and I only got seven more months to get it. You people better get your act together. That’s not asking too much, is it? All I am saying, is give me a chance!”

Why We Can’t Quit

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Oil Companies Adding Nicotine To Gas

Exxon/Mobil, Shell Issue Denials


Addicted to oil – more than a metaphor? 
Richieville News Service – ATLANTA
Researchers at Center for Disease Control announced today that they had found high levels of nicotine in gas sold at service stations throughout the country. The highly addictive substance, which is produced by tobacco and other plants, does not naturally occur in petroleum, nor is it a byproduct of the gasoline refining process. Oil company executives were quick to deny any responsibility.
“We have no idea how it got there,” said Exxon spokesperson Sheri Lee Braithwaithe, speaking to reporters at company headquarters in Irving, Texas. “The suggestion that we would add a substance to gasoline to make consumers crave the burning of fossil fuels is simply preposterous. However, people do tell us that it makes driving much more pleasurable.”
The CDC scientists stumbled upon the nicotine by accident as they were performing a series of experiments on rats relating to the transmission of flu viruses. “We had to transport the rats back and forth between two locations,” explained Dr. Peter Samuelson, chief researcher on the project. “We noticed that if we used a Ford Explorer they were calm for hours after the trip. But if we used a Toyota Yaris, they ran around like crazy until we took them for a drive again.”
Dr. Samuelson said his team was still studying the exact mechanism by which nicotine in gas might enter the bloodstream of drivers but he said they suspected it was simply coming out of vehicles’ exhaust pipes. This would have the effect of making cars with better fuel efficiency less satisfying to drive than those with lower miles per gallon ratings.
“I just got a Honda Fit,” Dr. Samuelson noted, “and though I like spending less money at the pump, afterwards I find myself driving around aimlessly for hours. I’m probably just trying to get my nicotine fix for the day.”
Executives in Detroit also denied any involvement in the nicotine additive scandal, but several said privately that they wished they had thought of it.  Insisting on anonymity, one conceded that it would certainly help U.S. car manufacturers who once again have been caught unprepared as Americans switched to smaller, more fuel-efficient vehicles.  “You can buy one of those 50 mile-per-gallon hybrids,” he said, “but you’re going to find yourself jonesing for that big, gas burning SUV.”
Meanwhile, Exxon spokesperson Braithwaite announced that next week the company would begin selling gas with three new ratings: full flavor, mild and extra light.